this story is for dwight

so this happened a few weeks ago while my parents were out of town. it was one of those nights where i had been drinking and i probably shouldn't have driven, but i did anyway. i mean the bar was closed and i was in dallas. my friends were tired and wanted to go home and probably were in no mood to babysit me. so i went ahead and headed home.


the first 15 minutes or so weren't so bad but as i kept on driving i started to feel sick. pulling over to a shoulder and waiting it out probably would've been the logical thing to do, which is exactly why i didn't do it.

instead, without taking my eyes off the road, i reached into the backseat and found a plastic walmart bag (this was before i cleaned out my car, so i had plenty of crap back there). at this point, i didn't think i was going to throw up, but i figured it'd be good to have a bag just in case.

sure enough, about 5 minutes later i could feel that awful choking feeling in my throat and out it came. luckily i had the bag.

now i thought, cool, i'm done throwing up and now i feel much better. i can concentrate on driving. wrong. another 5 minutes later i threw up again but this time i had a harder time getting it all in the bag. some of it sprayed on my scarf and the steering wheel. well, i thought, not too bad. i can easily clean it up.

i keep on driving. my eyes start getting heavy. just a little further, i kept telling myself, while knowing that this whole thing was a bad idea. at one point i nearly nodded off. in that split second, i snapped awake but not before i dropped my puke bag (which i had been holding with one hand the entire time i was driving).

i thought i had finished throwing up earlier; apparently i was wrong. and this time the puke bag was not at hand. i threw up all over the front of myself, my car seat, and my floorboard. a huge chunk of it was between my legs. it seeped down toward my crotch and got all over my jeans.

i think at this point i was home. i really should've attempted to clean up the vomit right away, but i was just so drunk and sleepy it took all my energy just to get out of the car and my puke-soaked clothes and crawl into bed. and of course, it didn't occur to me at the time to at least crack a window so the smell wouldn't be trapped in my car (not that it would've made a huge difference at this point)

the next morning i woke up feeling fine. but i would've much rather accepted a giant hangover than the horrible mess i had to deal with.

and THIS is why, children, you should not drink and drive.